Prayers of a Caregiver

Dear God, Let this be PMS because today was unusually a rough one. 

I've worked as a caregiver on and off throughout college for people with disabilities, have worked and volunteered with the elderly, and have taken care of friends and family during illnesses.  Living and taking care of Grandpa on an all-the-time basis is a little different.  When 5:00 comes, I don't punch out.  There is no Friday paycheck.  A weekend "off" (usually to photograph weddings, or other photo or music-related ventures... aka work) takes more coordinating than simply submitting vacation requests to a scheduler. 

Being a full-time, around-the-clock provider is something that has taken a lot of adjusting and getting used to.  When I would stay and help Grandpa out while I was still living in La Crosse, I always had my own place to go home to where I came first.  When I wanted dinner, I'd make it.  When I wanted to or had to go somewhere, I just left without checking with anyone first.

Dear God, just give me five minutes and let it turn into an hour.

My "office" -- which is an old kitchen table in the corner of Grandpa's four-season room -- is a disaster.  I'm behind on photo editing and that is my own fault.  I'm sure other people caring for a loved one will agree that on the daily list of priorities, I'm at the bottom.  There's too much guilt that goes along with me-time, so it's best to just keep myself on the back-burner to avoid it, right?  But then, the little pot on the back-burner starts boiling out of control and she has no choice but to put on the brand new running shoes she bought yesterday and just GO!

And, that is what I did.  After four loads of laundry that didn't belong to me, I felt like Forest Gump and pulled off two miles in 26 minutes.  AND, did I mention I am out of shape?

I came back, crashed in the recliner while Grandpa was drinking his beer and watching college football, and felt like I should have gone another 26 minutes.  Then, Grandpa knocked his beer over and it went all over the same spot of carpet countless cups of coffee, juice, and water have been dropped.

Dear God, Grant me patience.

On the end table I had a stack of dish towels I hadn't yet put away, so I grabbed them to sop up the beer.  I put the dishrags in the laundry room, took care of the empty can, and went to the bathroom.  While was in the bathroom, I could hear Grandpa talking to me not realizing I wasn't in the room.  When I didn't answer, he kept repeating my name over and over until I came back into the living room.

"Grandpa, do you need something?" I asked.
"Oh, no.  I just wanted to see where you were."

Dear God, I read a Facebook post saying, "What if you woke up with only the things you thanked God for yesterday."  So, God, thank you for giving us Grandpa's vision back.  

Well, you can't blame me for trying.


It was not even 9:00 PM and I was ready to call it a night when the phone rang.  Grandpa answered it and talked to Aunt Sandy for quite a while.  Eventually, he turned the phone over to me.

Aunt Sandy began to tell me about a conversation she had with Grandpa about me.  That I was the best thing that could have happened to him.  That even though I sometimes don't talk much, he knows I'm here.  That Grandma Jean would be proud of me.

And then I felt like an ass.  For letting myself get caught up in all of the selfish thoughts of needing more me-time, of feeling bad about scoping out the job market throughout the nation on a weekly basis to see what opportunities are out there, and for reminding myself that this is only temporary.

Forgive me.

Remind me of balance.  Remind me of patience.  Remind me of how temporary this really is and that this time is precious and not a burden.  Remind me that it's okay to be selfish once in a while if it makes me a better caregiver for Grandpa.  Remind me that my worst days would be what some people may consider their best days.  


And, if I don't give thanks enough - thanks for letting Grandpa stay with us when you could have easily called him home last year.  And thank you for the great sale on running shoes.  They'll be a great help, I hope. 


Amen.